3 S.R. Johannes: My "crappy" weekend

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My "crappy" weekend

here's my weekend in a nutshell:



  • Washer backs up and floods garage
  • Call AHS who calls plumber
  • Plumber comes to fix
  • Instead of fixing, he blocks whole house water line
  • Oh no! Plumbing bursts, toilet overflows
  • Sewage in bathtubs and showers (disgusting!)
  • "Oops" says plumber, "can't fix til next wed" (Oops? come again? 6 days without a toilet?? Call me regular!)
  • Home warranty won't pay (of course they won't!)
  • Plumber says we have roots in pipes along with some serious backage. (uh yeah, thanks for clearing THAT up for me b/c I was wondering)
  • Estimates 3,000$ (no problem b/c we have that kind of $ just lying around)
  • No running water (shower, toilet, washer etc)
  • Did I mention nasty "shit" tubs??
  • Stay with friend (bless her heart for politely offering because we jumped on it). Nice house, big enough for all of us. And she has stairs (like I can't handle some of those?? Trust me I will tie this plot point into the story in just a second.)
  • Get up early to meet a different plumber at house at 6 am (PS we love Roto Rooter!)
  • Wake 5 year old up - but alas he will not wake from the land of wonder
  • Carry son down flight of stairs (hey - Ive been working out to Jillian Michaels 30 day challenge for 5 days now. cant be that hard, right? WRONG!.)
  • Trip on steps (because hey - they should not be there - right?) and fall down a flight of stairs
  • Poor boy slams head on chair - I'm now convinced his brain is bleeding and he has a brain injury.
  • In trying to stop him from getting more hurt, I sacrifice my left hand to break the fall.
  • Husband rushes to son's side - "WT hell Shelli! Sounds like an elephant coming down stairs." - except he says it with English accent so it sounds much more polite. (Me - Gee sorry! so I'm up a few pounds - sew me!)
  • Daughter looks horrified 
  • I follow her gaze and notice my left hand. (enter 'first sadistic thought that popped into my head' here - "thank goodness its not my typing hand!" ;)
  • Fingers pointing in directions they should not be pointing.
  • To prevent her from entering therapy at age 9, I quickly pop them all back in myself (we'll do anything for our kids) and say, "Everything is fine. Everyone is okay."
  • Seconds later, I drop to floor sweating and wailing: "I think I'm going to be sick. I'm going to pass out. Does son have brain injury? Wait, I think I broke my hand!"
  • Hubby's loving response: "He's fine. The plumber's coming in 10 minutes."
  • So I'm faced with a choice - deal with shit toilets or go to emergency room for broken hand????
  • We go home and wait for plumber.
  • Decide to keep both kids home for "post traumatic stress disorder"
  • 3 hours later we finally go to urgent care
  • No broken bones but 2 dislocated fingers (could have told you that 3 hours ago!)
  • Must wear splint - can't write :(
  • come home to front yard dug out. 
  • Pay plumber 2500 - only to hear him say "other guy was wrong. there are no roots in pipes just a blockage" (WTF!) 
  • wasted 2,500??
  • Call home warranty and threaten lives
  • Stubborn blockage remains - what the hell is in there a dead body? (run inside to take notes on writing new book with a dead body in pipes)
  • Still "no toilet until Monday"
  • Weight options? hotel, stay with friends, face dangerous tripping stairs, stay with parents...?? Oh God.
  • Never mind - we order port o potty
  • Hubby wants 50$/week portopotty (no way, that's for cavemen! we are civilized people)
  • I get the Cadillac of all port-o-potties (call me spoiled!) for 150$ a week (total now: 3000$ plus 150) What a bargain!
  • We get a VIP with flushable toilet and sink, running water, light, key/padlock to prevent any unnecessary break ins (hey you never know) and the ever so needed accessory so you can witness yourself in a port o potty - a nice little mirror. :) (moving on up and living in style!)
  • port o potty delivered Friday night right around the time everyone comes home from work and people start jogging.
  • Let's hide it in side yard - I mean we can at least be discreet in our nice neighborhood of 2.5 kids 
  • Can't get it up driveway (of course they cant!)
  • Must sit it directly next to---- (wait for it)--- the mailbox on street (talk about going postal?)
  • Family forced to endure total humiliation by trekking out to mailbox to do business
  • People jogging by (me waving with toilet paper in hand Top of the morning to you!) (but trust me - I had urge to grunt when people walked by just to get a laugh! :)
  • Needless to say the dog walkers probably got TMI.
  • 9 year old comes in (after "doing #3" she says) and yells, "THAT was NOT fun!"
  • Brother calls - Im coming into town.
  • hour later. A Guest arrive. "Welcome to our Happy Can!"
  • Plumbing finally fixed sat night.
  • Sat night prayer - "thank you lord for modern plumbing!"
  • Sunday - goes to use bathroom. Our toilet not working. (I swear Im not lying)
  • Hubby goes to store and buys cheapest toilet for 88$. (wait what? the port o potty was better than this!)
  • "Why did you buy plastic toddler toilet?" His response - "Because it was cheap."
  • I return to Lowes and buy regular toilet for hubby to reinstall. Sue me for wanting a nice toilet! 
  • Week dishes backed up. Run dishwasher.
  • Week of laundry backed up - Load clothes washer and...wait for it.
  • Clothes washer broken!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't work. Are you freakin' kidding me?
  • Call AHS who calls plumber to come out.
  • Yes, everything in life somehow comes in full circle.
Good times :)

11 comments:

Natalie Aguirre said...

Yikes, that does not sound fun. Hope this week is better.

Heidi Willis said...

Oh my!! That is a nightmare! I went to a class once called "The Vortex of Doom," which was about piling stuff on your character until they break.. conflict and conflict on trouble on trouble. Sounds like you were in the vortex of doom!!

I hope everything from here gets better!!

Jessie Oliveros said...

I agree with Heidi. Sounds like fiction. Whatever doesn't break you makes you stronger right? Right? I'm really sorry, Shelli. If it makes things better I just ran my car into the side if our garage door. Only that's one thing and you had like five things and there is no poop involved. So I guess you win. I hope things get better.

C.M. Skiera said...

Wow--that's horrible. What a disaster! Hope things turn around in a hurry for you.

Kim Kasch said...

OMG!!! THAT is a horrible weekend. It would almost make me look forward to going back to work :(

Hope things are on an upswing for you now. You deserve it after a weekend like that.

J.L. Murphey said...

Sounds like you had a Murphy's Law weekend for St Paddy's Day instead of the Luck of the Irish. Recoop and breathe. The weekend from Hades is over. Whomever thought they'd be glad to see Monday come.

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

actually its funny now. Once the port-potty came - I was laughing. Nothing else to do but laugh. Makes for a great story :)

Robin K said...

Your poor family. So glad you are all taking it in stride. Thank you for sharing your woes and making me smile. Loved this: "me waving with toilet paper in hand Top of the morning to you"

Wishing you a much better weekend to come!

Catherine Stine said...

How shitty!

Paul Aertker said...

A flushable port o potty? You always have the best luck. Dang. ;)

Rebekkah Ford said...

OMG! You really did have a crappy weekend. I'm sorry. :( I hope your finger is feeling better. <3